April 21, 2012

When i thought i have let it go but ....

"If you love someone, you should tell them. Heart is often broken by words left unspoken."

........ It's obviously still here. I still have the feeling like i used to feel back then and it's just so wrong. The love is still here, in the heart. It is still as strong as the first time i felt it. I shouldn't have this kind of feeling towards him anymore. Knowing that he isn't 'available' anymore is enough to put me to realize that he is not the one. He isn't the one for me. He has someone else that can make him happy and i was supposed to be happy too, right ? I was happy before but not anymore, now. Why ? Yes, because the feeling is coming back. Coming back into my heart and i didn't ask for that, i swear. It's wrong, Fateen Dayana. Everyone knows that.

Lately, i've been questioning myself with all sort of questions that i can't even answer it myself till now. Just wonder how hard can that be to me. I've been receiving advice from my friends who knew about this. They don't agree with me, they are trying to get me out from this. They don't want me to get involve with problems. Of course, the guy has his own 'flower' now. I understand with what my friends are trying to do. Trust me, i'm doing the same thing too. Even harder. I'm fighting with my own feeling for all this while. I'm trying hard to make my heart ache even worst. So that, i can start to hate him but why it isn't working ? My heart is aching but the hatred isn't here. It was supposed to exist. Sometimes i wanted to ask him "What on earth have you done that can make me fall for you and suffer in the same time? Do you know that you're making everything so hard for me? I can't even open up my heart to anyone else just because of this damn feeling of mine is still for you and it hurts. Freaking hurt !" Yes, i'm actually have a lot in mind to ask him but it just can't be asked directly to him. It. just. can't.

"It’s so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember"

Whatever it takes, i still have to forget the feeling that i have towards him. It's not worth it. The best thing to do is to let him be happy with whoever he is with right now. I have my own life and i have to move on just like i moved on with my life after my-3 years and the half-relationship with E was ended. If i can moved on with my life after the heartbroken with E, i should manage to move on with this too. I know i can but it takes time. Time is what i needed the most. So, he has the 'sugar' that fill his heart and in my part, let me think what should i do ? Hurm, gotta start with the first step. To avoid him ? It's rather impossible unless i switch to other university. C'mon Didi, don't take it too extreme, shall we ? Okay, i think i should give it a try with bare in mind that 'He is not available anymore. He is happy with someone else now'. Well, i think it will work for the first step.

'Love someone who loves you. Your heart will never be broken.' That's what they said. And because of my feeling is still remain for this one guy as i said up there, i can't open up my heart to others. Not just my heart but same goes to my eye vision, i didn't see the person who's always there for me whenever i'm in the state of difficulty. An apologize might not be enough but that's the only thing that i could afford to offer. I feel you.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. A simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real-gets inside you and rips you apart-pain. Yes, that kind of pain. Wish i could run away from this but it's hard because despite what my mind wants, my heart keeps pulling me back. And apparently, i can't argue with that because it's going to hurt anyway. Nowadays, whenever he came across my mind which i can say almost every minute (yes, that's insane, i know), i keep on break into tears. I need that to stop. I should stop being a weak girl. I'm not a weak girl, Ayie said that too. "You're a strong girl, Na. Stand up and throw away the pain. I know you can."  That's what Ayie and Kak Wiwin said to me. Even Ayu advice me to forget him. She might be talked less about this matter to me but her less is 'more'.

I come to the final part where i wish the whole happiness in the world for him. He deserves to be happy just the way he is right now. Be with the one that makes you happy and please fight for the one that you love if you have to. Think carefully before you act. Be good and be loyal to just one. I know you are.

Note to self : Be strong in handling the pain. Every pain comes with cure.

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