December 22, 2010

May happiness be all around you, love

I've been surprised with the news given by friends that someone is getting engaged soon. It became more dramatic painful when i knew the person who's getting engaged is actually someone who i used to love. Even now, the love is still blooming. We're like too close enough. We got through those process where we fight like a married couple, we talk like bestfriends and we protect each other like brother and sister. We actually care too much about each other. Whenever i'm hurt, i don't talk and he knew too well that i'm hurt inside out. A guy who know when and where he have to act maturedly, childish and within his age, he is.

Yesterday the day where i've been stabbed by the sharp words. The situation sounded like these :

Friends: Eh, you know what happened ?
Me: No. Is there something happened that i should know ?
Friends: Serious, you tak tau apa yang terjadi ?
Me: I tak tau la. Apa dia ? Cakap je la. Your tone nak scary je bunyi.
Friends: But you have to promise to us that you will try your hardest to hold in there, ok ?
Me: Korang jangan buat i takut, boleh tak ? Serious, i rasa scary gila. Goosebump dah ni. Bagitau je la.
Friends: Fateen Dayana, can u atleast promise us first? Nanti kitaorang takde la rasa bersalah sangat.
Me: Kenapa korang ni annoying sangat hari ni ? Okay, i promise whatever happen, i'll try my hardest to hold in there. So now, shoot !
Friends: Errr, you tau N nak bertunang ?
Me: (long pause) Apa korang merepek ni ? Suruh i berjanji bagai and you come to this ? This ain't funny, guys. Dah la, i malas nak entertain you guys ni.
Friends: Eh jap jap, i cakap betul la. That's what i've heard la. N tak cakap anything kat you ?
Me: Nope. So, tak betul la kan. (My heart starts to cry)
Friends: We don't know either. You kena confirm kan dengan dia la. Please be strong, Na. You dah promise us kan, whatever happen you will try your hardest to hold in there.
Me: BTW, with who ? Who's the so called lucky fiancee to be ?
Friends: That new psycho girl tu. That's what kitaorang dengar la.
Me: Oh, okay. If it's true, say congratulations to him.

That's how it goes when i heard all those ear sickening conversations. Tell me, how should i react with this ? It's hard for me to handle or even to swallow the words. From that moment of time, i choose to live in denial by saying to myself, "it's not true !" untill i get a phone call from him and even a call from his sister. So, there it is. The confirmation where it acted as a conclusion to all my questions played all around my mind. Then, it comes to an end. I do live in reality and reality hurts most of the time. I won't spill everything that happened between us in here. It may harm myself especially my uncontrollable emotion.

To N ;

Dear love, I DO LOVE YOU with all my heart and full of devotion. At first i may not attracted to you but as a girl, it's hard for me to resist you. Atlast, here i am loving you so much with broken hearted. I will never regret anything that happened between us before because i thought it was a mistake but actually, once upon a time, u made me smile happily. I know missing you will be a big mistake but i can't avoid it. I'm sure i will miss the moment where i'm hurt by friends and u came by just to entertain me and sang me a song through the phone untill i falled asleep, your face expression when you know i'm sicked, your matured look acted childishly, your gut to teach me how to play guitar, how you endured my annoying attitude,your patience handling my uncontrollable emotion while other can't do it, how you made me cried with smiling on my lips, how proud you am to say that you love me every single day, how hard you tried to fullfill my wishes and dream even untill now, you bring me to the my favourite restaurant witout knowing that it's actually my favourites, i miss to argue with you about simple things, i miss your warm hands holding my cold hand when i'm nervous, i miss stargazing with you and talk stupid stuff with no boundaries, and the list goes on and on. The most important thing is, i miss being the real me when i'm with you and you can accept me for who i am without any single objection. i want you to remember and hold to the words that i once said it to you where it sounded like this " Love is about how you value and respect someone without expecting things from them in return. It's about unselfishly devoted and committed with that special person till the last beat of your heart". Please do hold with that. I know you're a good guy and i wish you all the happiness in your life with the loved ones. Treat your fiancee-to-be-right

P/S: Just A Dream by Nelly made me cried over and over again. It reminds me of this.

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